Recovery diary - Day 22 - Still going against a strong wind

04 March 2017

I knew this whole process would be a roller coaster. But I didn't expect to be challenged the way that I am right now. It's as if I got back to day 1 on all fronts - everything was going the right way. My eczema started to fade on my arms, no signs of acne and most importantly, I had two successful runs - I ran twice 4 km without feeling the pain in my shin.
So why am I where I am as of today? Acne and eczema both striking back - I've been waking up in the middle of every night because the rash was too unbearable. And... although the shin is fine, my left knee started to hurt after Wednesday's work out. I didn't go all out. But it still hurts. 

On the emotional level, I must admit it's not going well either. Broken hearts just can't be easily fixed. But I'm trying my very best. And I believe there's something else, I don't know what yet, which is pulling me back to the bottom of the ocean. Besides the physical reasons, knees happen to hurt when life gets challenging and ones becomes rigid, as a line of defense. I probably have been rigid for the past months, without really realizing it. I never accepted being left by the one I loved, especially because everything seemed to be going so well between us.
I never accepted to be injured and not allowed to run. I see running as a natural thing to do, if not for scoring personal bests, at least for releasing stress and tension. I haven't found a way of releasing all the anger I have in me which is not running. 

I talked a little with my uncle about all these things I'm going through at the moment and said in a voice of despair, that I feel I'm being punished for something I did, and I don't know what it is.
He replied in a laugh (but still quite serious) that I risked a lot, jumped into the unknown and took a chance and that I was still processing the whole thing. I guess he was talking about my moving from Paris to Copenhagen. And I agree - I moved because that's what I had wanted in so many years. But the decision was very sudden. One day I decided to move, less than a month later I was landing on the Danish soil. I'd give a lot to feel all the joy and happiness I felt at this very precise moment.
And the good thing is that 6 months later, I'm still here and still happy about it. 
But I never took the time to properly say goodbye. I just followed my dream and left some unfinished business in Paris. I did throw a farewell party. That's it. And instead of enjoying Paris during the last weeks, I filled my mind with plans for the future, in my future city. 

I underline problems and potential things which are holding me back on a daily basis - but I have troubles finding solutions.


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