Recovery diary - Day 11 - Letting go and moving on

22 February 2017

It might be too early to write this. So I'll just consider this post as a draft to a (hopefully) future one. One that I will write after these 100 days of recovery.

You might (or might not) remember that I found somewhere that my not-healing-shin-splits is linked to the heart break that I'm going through (in short, shin splits = being unable to grief).

Let me go a little back in time, when this guy I was (am) in love with decided to end things. My first reaction was to put the tough guy hat on. I have been through this in the past and have let me drown in sadness and depression. This time, I wanted to be strong therefore I acted as if nothing had happened. I strongly believed it was the best way out: to keep on living a normal life and to reach all of the goals I had. In a way it did work - I got my job a few weeks later which was a big personal accomplishment. I also got injured and am still there as of today.
By standing strong and pretending I was fine, I secretly kept on hoping this break up was only temporary. Why would he leave me when things were going so well just a month before?
All of that made a very special mixture that I've been finding myself in for over 3 months now.

Last week I made the typical mistake of a typical hurting woman - I reached out to him. I hadn't heard from him in a while. I realized that I was still at the same point, still so into him. I told him that I was thinking about him and that I wanted to see him over a cup of coffee. He replied 3 minutes later with nice words: it was good to hear from me and yes, we should definitely meet over coffee. I suggested we met the following weekend. It's been a week and I'm still waiting for a reply from him. I thought this kind of situation would destroy me a little more. It didn't. I reacted in a much better way. I was expecting things not to go the right way, I was probably ready for worst case scenario. The fact that he wouldn't just say to my face that meeting is not a good idea, made me angry at him. I didn't spread the anger. But for the first time I had something else than sweet thoughts to share. And I got the message: I finally understood that we will never be. It hurt but it was exactly what I needed to move on. 
Also I accepted the fact that I was sad and broken hearted and that I had been in this situation since the break up. I allowed myself to be sad. I allowed myself to cry as much as I needed to - I hadn't really cried since it all happened. I even let the tears roll down when at work - I would take a quick break and go for a walk outside or just hide in the bathroom. I realized that I had skipped this fundamental step and that I needed to go through it if I wanted to recover.

It would be wonderful if I told you that I'm already over him - I'm so far from it. But for the first time in months I can feel that I'm moving forward. I allowed myself to let it all go.

Well, believe it or not, it feels like the injury isn't as bad as it used to be either. I'm not raising the arm and screaming that I have won yet. It might get bad again tomorrow or in a few days. But as I started to feel better about the whole break up, I also started to feel better in my body. A simple jump doesn't hurt like it used to. I will give running a try on Saturday - just 4 easy km. Wish me luck!

I havn't won yet, but I strongly want to believe that I will be running pain and injury free again in 89 days.

To be continued...


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